Chinese Psycho Lady 3-D

This is the pitch I recently made for my forthcoming film Chinese Psycho Lady 3D. This is the typescript of the original presentation so it includes all comments and questions that were posed during the session and the responses that followed.

Chinese Psycho Lady 3D is both an unforgiving satire of modern dystopia and slasher pic with sex. Although China will form the background of much of the film, there will be no commentary on the modern Chinese situation, on governmental policies, or contemporary social issues. China will simply act as the springboard for a general comment on urban dissatisfaction. Being set in China, of course, specific Chinese elements may colour the scenes in certain ways, but I'm not out to ruffle any feathers with this one.

Good idea. We're up to our asses in edits and re-shoots these days. Continue.

So here it is. We start in Shanghai. We're in an enormous shopping complex. We see a few major international brand names dancing with numerous bright and artful Chinese characters in a dizzying zigzag of shopfronts and shopping bags. It's all hustle and bustle. No music on the soundtrack at this point. In fact, we just jump right into this hectic scene of consumerism. Emerging quietly from the crowd is our Psycho Lady. We know this from looking at her. I want to make no bones about it. She will look like a psycho. About 40. Eyeballs trying to escape her head. I can really see Lili Taylor filling the role well. I've seen her playing psychos before, and she's good at it.

But didn't you say she was a Chinese Psycho Lady? Wait, is Lili Taylor Chinese?

No. But this is what I think. It's been a while since we've had a Caucasian in the role of a Chinese in the movies. You know, political correctness pretty much put a lot of actors who could play Chinese out of business. But I'm not going for any racial stereotyping here. I want to turn political correctness on its head in a way. It'll be postmodern. Skewed and distorted. Just like the character actually. I want this psycho to seem almost unreal within an all too real reality for us all. A kind of ureal real in a really realistic unreality, you know what I mean? She's a psycho. And ,like I said, Lili does psycho well.

Interesting. Continue.

So she'll have this kind of Fu Manchu-as-an-unmarried-Shanghai-pariah look about her. Lili. She has white hair and is constantly decked out in all-white clothing. Kind of like she just broke out of an asylum. I want people to think that. We see her doing some normal things like standing in line at food stalls and at supermarket checkouts, but we never see her buy anything. Just standing in line as life goes on around her. Eventually we move outside and she's getting a taxi. The taxi driver says a few things, but she doesn't say anything for the whole trip. And then after a while, with a classic modern day pop hit playing on the car radio, we stop.

Could you get to the action? You paid for a 6 minute pitch, if I'm correct, not a goddamn garden party.

Okay. so the taxi driver stops, and suddenly the doors fly open and Lili is dragged out of the car by two men. The taxi driver has led her into a rape-trap. They drag her out, but she doesn't react in any way. Stone-cold expression in a flash close-up of her face. We see the taxi driver rubbing his hands together and laughing. The three men pull her into a kind of off-road ditch. We don't know what they will do to her. They could sell her body parts for a shared ipad for all we know.

Can you get Apple to agree to that product placement?

Sorry?

I'm saying Can-we- get-Apple-on-board-this-project?

eh, maybe. Anyway, there's a build-up of tension and we think we're about to have a horrific rape moment like in that French film. You know, the one with the garden gnomes. But then suddenly WHAM! Lili draws her sword from her underwear. WHAM! Arms off! WHAM! Dicks off! WHAM! Heads off! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! Thank you, ma'am! It's the bride with white hair and she's unhappy about her unmarried status. She's suddenly unbridled. That's where it kicks off. The killing spree. She'll kill anyone after that. Pharmacists, traffic wardens, beggars, choosers, botanists, anyone carrying an umbrella. The remainder of the film will be blood and guts and sex. Lots of tits, of course. And we could even have a song at the end. I've written one called 'Sing and Dance, Sociopath'.

I'm with you on the arms and heads coming off. But the dicks? Could be a problem.

I understand, but think of it this way. 3-D.

Hmm, yeah, 3-D.

3-D, man.

Hmm.

3-motherfucking-D.

Okay, yeah, 3-D.

3 flying dicks in 3 flying fucking dimensions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

3-D.

Goddamnit, you got your 100 mil. Now get the fuck out of here.

Cheers, Steven.

And that was how I did it. That was how I got to make Chinese Psycho Lady 3-D. Watch the skies, my lovelies...

Many thanks to Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, George Orwell, George Michael, Deng Xiaoping